Our feelings are good.
SEPTEMBER 3, 2019
Somewhere along the way most of us learned that feeling was bad. We learned that to feel and to be seen as we feel was weak, threatening, shameful, and unsafe.
We adopt stories about feelings from the families that we come from or from other interpersonal experiences we have as we are developing.Some of us grew up in families where no one expressed emotions and so we learned quickly that in order for us to stay connected with those closest to us, we had to shove feelings down too. Or maybe some of us grew up in families where when we expressed feelings, we got hurt in some way and quickly learned to avoid our feelings and keep them quiet too.
What if feelings aren’t actually bad?
And what if the stories we carry about feelings can be changed? In my work as a psychotherapist I strongly believe that in order for us to be healthy, thriving, and well humans, we must learn to feel and heal the unhelpful and hurtful stories we have picked up about emotions. Here are a few of the important things I often explore with those I have the privilege to work with:
Feelings are good. We are wired to feel and our feelings help us navigate the world, seek safety, make decisions, put up boundaries, and experience life to the fullest.
Feelings give us important information. All of the core emotions that we feel (sadness, joy, disgust, fear, sexual excitement, anger) tell us something about what we need. It is when we start to tune into our bodies, which is where our emotions live, that we can start to learn more about what our feelings are trying to tell us and take care of our needs.
We can’t selectively numb emotions. When we push down the hard feelings we also limit our ability to experience the pleasant feelings too. We also limit our ability to connect authentically and deeply to other people, which is such a key part of being human and feeling fully alive.
We all have go-to ways of defending against feeling emotions. Some of us might use substances or spend money in order to self-soothe. Some of us might stay really busy. Some of us might isolate ourselves. Some of us might spend lots of time on our phones or other electronics. When we chronically defend against feeling, we suffer. The latest research on affective neurscience and interpersonal dynamics shows that when we avoid feeling and when we don’t have the tools to navigate an emotional experience, anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns can develop. Part of the work of becoming more emotionally attuned to ourselves is learning how we commonly defend against feeling.
We can’t learn to feel more deeply by just talking about feelings, we have to practice. We aren’t meant to feel alone and lots of us were never taught how when we were young. Going to therapy is an effective way to learn how to feel again and not have to do it alone. For more information on emotions and how to navigate feelings, please don’t hesitate to reach out for support or check out the other resources on the Verity Counselling blog and Instagram account.