What would you say to younger you?
OCTOBER 10, 2019
Take a moment and pause. I want you to bring to mind an image of your child self. Imagine their face, their curiosity, their presence. Consider what you would tell them. Consider their goodness, their wholeness, their innate worth. Consider that perhaps, the goodness, wholeness, and innate worth is still within you, underneath the messages and stories layered on top of it, seeking to be seen again.
What did this experience bring up for you? All sorts of feelings can emerge when we begin to connect with our child selves – maybe feelings of love, sadness, guilt, and others. Often, these are the types of experiences I explore with clients in therapy and this short blog post will aim to explain why.
Sometimes, it can feel like there are different parts inside each of us that are in conflict with each other. Akin to a family who doesn't always get along (surprise surprise!), the parts that make up who we are can sometimes get in each other's way or maybe one part of us is constantly in the drivers seat. This can make us feel disjointed, confused, and overwhelmed.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is an evidence based therapy that believes not only in the existence of these parts within us, but also says that A) it is totally normal to feel like our parts aren't getting along and B) there are ways to improve communication between our parts. An example shows what this looks like:
In IFS theory, there are three major parts at play: the exile, the manager, and the protector. The exile represents a part of you that feels like it has been banished from the "internal family" and is not allowed to speak or be heard. Usually associated with adverse early childhood experiences, the exile feels overlooked, isolated, and desperate for someone to listen to it. When the exile tries to speak, either the manager or the protector springs into action. The manager does this in a socially acceptable, mature-looking way like silencing, discounting, and ignoring the exile's voice. "If the exile stays quiet, I don't run the risk of looking foolish or jeopardizing relationships with my neediness," thinks the manager.
On the other hand, the protector works like a firefighter: extinguish the "flames" of discomfort the exile brings up for us by any means necessary. Much less subtle than the manager, the protector pushes us towards quick escapes like excessive drinking, spending money, making impulsive but not necessarily healthy decisions, numbing through food or sex, and so many other ways.
While this might sound like a lot of chaos, the important part of IFS, mentioned earlier, is that there are ways to help our parts communicate with each other and see the internal discord between parts begin to settle. With the guidance of a therapist who can help you make room for the exile and serve as a mediator between parts, IFS therapy can lead to growth in our Self, or that wise, central part of us that really isn't a 'part' like the other three. This Self is the authentic you. And by learning how to use your Self to communicate with your different parts, you can begin the journey of managing your responses in relationships, work, and life.
At the end of the day, all parts of us need to feel heard and like they have a seat at the table. It is when the parts of us that have been wounded, are being silenced, that we start to notice difficulty emerge in our ability to cope, respond, and feel well. And it is when we start to embrace and tend to each part of us with compassion and curiosity that we can truly move towards hope, healing, and living as our most authentic selves.